Bzero (bzero) wrote,
Bzero
bzero

Poly History

Poly Mom posted a poly history, and I thought maybe I should do the
same since I get asked about it a lot. Those that know me IRL have
probably heard all this before, so feel free to skim or skip entirely.
B)


I’ve always been polyamorous in the sense that being in love with one
person didn’t keep me from falling for someone else. For the longest
time I tried not to act on these feelings, and wound up guilty and
hating myself for “emotionally cheating.” After my first relationship
ended, I resented the “paths not taken” when I was with my first
lover… and that made it a LOT more difficult to resist enticement in
later relationships, because I no longer naively believed that each
one was “forever.”


I felt my choices were cheating or resentment, and I oscillated
between one and the other depending on my level of temptation and
self-control. It wasn’t until college, hanging out at the BDSM club
Dominion that I met other poly people and realized there was an actual
ethical honest framework where one could have open relationships
without the lying and self-loathing. Of course, the one person I
started dating from the club was monogamous, so I had to wait to put
these ideas into practice.


Eventually the desire to date other people broke up that relationship,
and I was free to try this whole “ethical polyamory” thing. At first
I was *really bad* at it – I’d gotten used to hiding things from
lovers, and my desire for non-confrontation made it difficult to bring
up potentially painful subjects like other partners. I was afraid
being open about my non-monogamy would cause me to lose potential love
interests, so I wasn’t as up-front as I should have been. In short I
made a real mess of things.


Only through agonizing, excruciating mistakes did I eventually learn
it’s far better, long-term, to be as honest as possible in the
beginning, rather than wait until secrets are eventually discovered
(as they ALWAYS are). It’s not easy – I’m still conflict-avoidant,
but I has gotten easier for me to bring up painful subjects, knowing
that my needs will be heard and that there’s a chance, through
compromise, that I can get a form of what I want.


My fear of losing potential partners hasn’t been that much of an
issue, either. Sure, there are a few people who run screaming when
they hear how many people I’m dating, but far more often I’m the one
that has to turn away gorgeous, wonderful women because I’m just too
poly-saturated. I still make mistakes – bigguns! – but I try to learn
from them, and make new mistakes next time rather than just repeat the
old ones endlessly.


I’m blessed right now with five incredibly fantastic, patient
girlfriends who get along with each other (most of the time) and
support me and my relationship fumbling. I realized too late that
really I can’t competently handle more than three attachments at a
time, but I’m not willing to give anyone up, so I need to find a way
to make my current situation work. I’ve also realized there is NO
SUCH THING as a low-maintenance relationship – every one I’ve tried
has turned into full-fledged dating, or drifted away.


I’m in therapy right now, and my counselor is big on boundaries and
communication. So, with luck this will help me with the problems I
have now, and help me prevent more in the future. I’ll keep you
posted.

Tags: bdsm, dating, desire, ethical polyamory, history, love, lover, non-monogamy, open relationships, poly, polyamory, relationships, rl, therapy, women
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